If You Ask Me

You might think I took easily to the foreign service life. That moving from city to city is as easy as changing my haircolor. You may think I enjoy it 100%. Because that is what I always tell you.

What you need to know is that in most things I am a terrible liar, but in faking self-assurance I am very very good.

I am afraid people will say I have regrets, or that I am wavering about our decision to be in the foreign service, if I am honest about my fears. Its a conclusion easily jumped to. Especially if you don't know, as I do, what wonders are awaiting us on the other side. So I totally understand.

So if you ask me how I feel about packing up everything and moving to Bangkok next week, I would tell you I am excited. That there is nothing to be stressed about-this is the 'land of smiles' after all, and you can find anything you need there. But I am going to be honest right here, for all the world, friends or not, to see. I am scared as hell.

If you ask me how I feel about moving away from all the friends we have made here, I would tell you how much I am looking forward to making new friends. That I love getting to know people. That is 100% true. But I'm leaving quite a bit out.  I worry about getting to know a whole new group of people. I worry that I won't find my niche at all. I'm worried that 'shy Heather' will come back in a vengeance, and my rotten people skills will sabotage me. And that it is very daunting to face a whole new community and start all over again from square one.

If you ask me how I think the kids are going to handle it, I would tell you they are going to have a blast. That they will be too busy to get nervous, or homesick, or sad. That's a bit of a fib. Since we have to move TWO times in the next month, it's going to be hard on them. They will have a shaky routine, if any at all. They're going to act out. Backstep. And yes, they are going to get homesick. But from now on, its going to be a lot for us all to handle, so we shall not speak of it publicly again.

So now you know.


Emily said...

Awesome post! You know, honesty is the best policy.

I think we all have these thoughts and fears. Some of them happen, and some of them don't. But we all get through it, sometimes it takes a little medication or therapy, but we do it...
Plus you now have a gaggle of friends that are in the same boat, ready and willing listen and help out anyway we can.

Carole Knits said...

I think you are incredibly strong and courageous. You and Phil can tackle anything together and, while your fears are completely rational and understandable, I have a feeling your excitement is much stronger than any fear.