If You Were To Ask Me

If you see me around, I hope you don't see anything to be concerned about. There's not much reason for me to not be smiling. I feel full of hope, energy, and most of the time motivation. There are some major events coming up, including my husband coming home for a few weeks, a major exam or two, a beach getaway, and of course my first half marathon. Finally.

These are pretty much the fuel I am using to get through each day. If you add that with the love and companionship of my boys, my friends, and my family, you can be sure that I will get through this. But its not always easy.

If you were to guess that is not the entire story, you would be correct.

If you were to ask me what is on my mind I would tell you I'm frustrated and worried. We have only half a year left in Thailand, and don't know where we are going next. We submitted our "wish list" back in August, and watched some of our favorite spots drop from the list week by week. And still no word for us. But I am trying to be patient and flexible. It isn't easy though, when you are anticipating moving a family, dog, all your posessions and career to a completely different country. There are questions about renting a house, buying a car, locating schools, locating job openings. Imagine doing that every three years, and not until about a month or two before you actually move. Yuh.

If you were to ask me what is on my mind I would tell you I'm a little heartsick. Both my boys are doing well in school, but both get frustrated easily and lash out. I call it the "mountains out of molehills" effect, because most of the time they are just fine. They make friends. They're happy. They are always in good moods at home. However, if someone cuts in front of them, bumps into their table, you name it-they lose their cool. But only at school. I wish they could tell me why. I wish I could help them, but I can't be there all the time. I wish I knew what leads to this negativity and anger, but I do the best I can to support them and work with them.

If you were to ask me what is on my mind, and have a little more time to spare, I would tell you I'm nervous. Two years of an unaccompanied tour is something challenging to adjust from. I build walls when my husband is gone so I can cope. Some people let their feelings flow, but I just cant do that. So I embrace having that "stiff upper lip" and soldier on until we are through. The walls have to come down though, when he returns to us, and thats hard. Its good at the same time. Yet, its not always smooth, and sometimes you worry if you have any feelings left at all.

In the end, I would tell you that this is all alright. We chose this, and I would rather have these challenges and always have the unknown twist around the next corner. We are fortunate, and as tough as I get inside, I never stop thinking that. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful life and such loving family.