What you need to know is that in most things I am a terrible liar, but in faking self-assurance I am very very good.
I am afraid people will say I have regrets, or that I am wavering about our decision to be in the foreign service, if I am honest about my fears. Its a conclusion easily jumped to. Especially if you don't know, as I do, what wonders are awaiting us on the other side. So I totally understand.
So if you ask me how I feel about packing up everything and moving to Bangkok next week, I would tell you I am excited. That there is nothing to be stressed about-this is the 'land of smiles' after all, and you can find anything you need there. But I am going to be honest right here, for all the world, friends or not, to see. I am scared as hell.
If you ask me how I feel about moving away from all the friends we have made here, I would tell you how much I am looking forward to making new friends. That I love getting to know people. That is 100% true. But I'm leaving quite a bit out. I worry about getting to know a whole new group of people. I worry that I won't find my niche at all. I'm worried that 'shy Heather' will come back in a vengeance, and my rotten people skills will sabotage me. And that it is very daunting to face a whole new community and start all over again from square one.
If you ask me how I think the kids are going to handle it, I would tell you they are going to have a blast. That they will be too busy to get nervous, or homesick, or sad. That's a bit of a fib. Since we have to move TWO times in the next month, it's going to be hard on them. They will have a shaky routine, if any at all. They're going to act out. Backstep. And yes, they are going to get homesick. But from now on, its going to be a lot for us all to handle, so we shall not speak of it publicly again.
So now you know.
Awesome post! You know, honesty is the best policy.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have these thoughts and fears. Some of them happen, and some of them don't. But we all get through it, sometimes it takes a little medication or therapy, but we do it...
Plus you now have a gaggle of friends that are in the same boat, ready and willing listen and help out anyway we can.
I think you are incredibly strong and courageous. You and Phil can tackle anything together and, while your fears are completely rational and understandable, I have a feeling your excitement is much stronger than any fear.
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