The Protector: A Touching Tale of a Boy and His Elephants

GIMME MY ELEPHANT!

The formula for a good martial arts flic:

Young boy from distant village in China/Thailand/Japan journeys to big city to take on bad mob boss and his/her 300 henchmen to recover stolen Buddha/artifact/medallion/chalice/elephant.

Elephant?

Yup, in this heart-rendering story, Tony Jaa goes to Sydney, Australia to recover his dear elephant pals from a nasty dragon lady, in the process slaying her worthless hot nephew, rescuing the fair maiden, redeeming a cop who has been framed for numerous murders, and gallantly beating the piss out of a gigantic aussie dude in the midst of a temple that has been set aflame. All the while, our hero repeats the same line, "YOU TOOK MY ELEPHANTS!" Whowie.

This movie got me thinking-How cool would it be to have henchmen? Nameless and faceless men by the dozens, who suddenly surge into the room at the first opportunity in order to take an inevitable ass-whipping on my behalf?

I can see it now. Paul, the pissy attorney with a severe case of what I call 'newattorneyitis' rushes into my office, frantic because his hearing is five business days away and he MUST have some neurologist write a narrative report because he feels the judge won't understand the handwriting in his treatment notes. Of course, this is somehow my problem, and I am supposed to pull some magic out of my ass and sweet talk Dr. So-and-so of Mayo Clinic to drop everything THIS morning to write a summary. (What the hell, that 8 AM spinal fusion can wait, can't it?)

I glare at Paul and, without breaking eye contact, pull a dagger from my pencil cup and fling it at him with a mighty scream. It bounces off the wall harmlessly of course. I really did it just for emphasis. After all, four dozen henchmen in black suits are about to rush into the hallway from every door, window and orifice, circle the bratty lawyer, and proceed to attack. That's what I pay them to do, after all. And who knows, perhaps Mr. My-Hearings-Are-Priority really isn't a mild-mannered civil libertarian after all, but a deadly force to be reckoned with. And trained in the deadly art of Muay Thai...